Friends for Life. Are there any in your life?

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Having been away from my home country for nearly two decades, I have found myself redefining the word "Friend" every so often. In India, where I was born and graduated from college, friends were not really made; they were school mates, college mates and kids from the neighborhood. Also living at home brought quite a few relatives and friends of the family in and out of the house. The first realization I had when I moved to the United States was not only had I left behind all the people I had known for most of my life but I had come to an empty apartment in a strange country which was desolate and quiet. I have not forgotten the loneliness and tears that rolled down my cheeks as I sat alone in a cold, dark apartment. "Why am I here? Where are my friends? Where are people?"

In the years to follow, my out going personality did not stop venturing into talking to all sorts of people at school and on the train. At work and every occasion I could meet people I made a sincere effort to strike a chord with people of all countries, ethnicities and backgrounds. I did not lay any boundaries to build new friendships.

Almost a decade later I had gathered forty people for a birthday and a Chinese friend wrote in a card "Don't count your age by years, but by the number of friends you have." It made me stop and think for a moment. I looked around the room. Somehow all my excitement about gathering scores of friends diminished. As I looked around the room with a cake staring at me, I wondered. "Are there at least three people here that I believe are my real friends? Or am I just filling the void in my life by adding more people to keep me company while away from home?" Then that night, I had more thoughts, what is away from home? Who are my friends back home? Do I have true friends back home or were they all circumstantial? The question comes back to do we really have at least a handful of true friends or friends for life as they say!

A decade later my doubts have cleared. Not even one from that party is in my life today. Yes, they were circumstantial.

To the best of my understanding there are three sets of people in our lives. The outer circle is college mates, colleagues, friends of friends who are all nice and sweet and we need them as we are social beings. We "run into" these people more often than not at the movies, at weddings, at grocery stores--you name it, they are there. "Hi, how are you. Good to see you! You look great!" Many a time you don't remember where you met them; how you know them and let us admit we forgot quite a few of their names even. They are the largest number of people we know. Yet, we don't know them, we don't judge them. We are polite to them and we move on.

The middle circle is people who have filtered through the first circle and become more acquainted. Somehow in that quick hello, how are you kind of thing, we identified something in common and actually exchanged phone numbers and after a few meetings thought there was potential in becoming better known to each other. All of a sudden we are inviting them to a get together or to a movie or walk and there is some sort of familiarity and hope for something more long term. Within a short time we are wrapped up in their lives. We are gossiping with common friends about their love lives, children, how poorly they treat their in-laws! Still with a, I am perfect; they are not kind of attitude towards our new found friends. These people come and go and have the highest turn over rate in our lifetime. But we do need company for countless occasions and bring the most excitement to our rather mundane lives.

The middle circle takes up most of our time. They are constantly calling each other. "I am locked out of the house. Can you pick me up?" You have already answered the phone at home, so you cannot say no. "Can you give me directions I am lost going somewhere in some other city." You are at the computer and you cannot say no. "I am your cousin's best friend in India. Can you please pick me up at the airport?" "No" is easy. But the consequences are dire. So, "Yes." But I wouldn't trust them with any secrets that shouldn't make the rounds.

The inner most circle have somehow made it against all odds. They have heard countless stories over countless cups of coffee and mid night calls. They have survived it all. Relationships, deaths, jobs, bailed you out of pretty much any crisis in life or at least listened and you believe you would not have made it without this friend. They cry with you and laugh with you. They will never judge you and never be jealous of you and you will defend them against all odds if your family or friends use the slightest derogatory tone towards them. If you need two hands to count them, consider yourself extremely lucky.

I had a myth that followed me around for years that three girls from my high school days were friends for life. I had emailed them for several years and I even hosted one of their spouses in my house when he was visiting the U.S. Seven years ago when I visited India I invited them to a luncheon. They came two hours late. They said they had eaten and come. They sat in a corner and talked to each other for a long time. They were out right rude towards me and other guests. It took me several years to get over that incident. I still don't know what to make of that afternoon. I stopped emailing them. Had I out grown them, or had they out grown me? I had several versions of interpretations in my mind. Yet, the lesson I learned is if you don't invest time in a friendship it will fade away. The inner circle will quickly dwindle towards the middle circle or the outer circle.

When I look back and take count, I am realizing with each year passing I have fewer meaningful friendships. People that I really want to see and spend time with and really care for are fewer. Friends closest to my heart and whose feelings are mutual say to me that as we get older, we are looking more towards inner happiness. We don't want people who bring negative energy and constantly drain us. My friend used a term that strikes to me. He said "I don't want people who are High Maintenance in my life anymore." When he said that I could quickly run a list of people who I would categorize as High Maintance and I have started alienating myself from them. It has worked very well for me. I am happier. I wonder why I invested all these years in making amends, apologizing for something or the other all the time. Are these friendships so important? Somehow we get wrapped up with people who are a negative influence in our lives. They are bitter, unhappy and jealous and judge the entire world and we join in to please them. All we are doing is feeding their insecurities. I have learned with experience that I can never please such people. If one incident ends, another one begins. If it is not this person it is another person. These people need drama and if you don't need it, don't be a part of it. Let it go. Certain friendships have to be let go as we cannot always keep up with people who constantly need attention and have low self esteem.

My Chinese friend's writing on the birthday card has stuck with me for a long time. When I am sixty, if I have five good friends I will consider myself extremely lucky and I will only be five not counting the age!